just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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