apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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