I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
time to smoke my breakfast
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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