I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
