I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
