My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
