My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
