note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
