I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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