I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
