You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
