You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
