Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
