I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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