Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
