You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
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she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
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Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable