I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.