I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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