Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
