I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
