you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
