What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We're too hungover to prance.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
