Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
