Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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