On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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