Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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