I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize