and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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