he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wish you could order shots online.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
