Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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