after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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