Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
