I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
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Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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