Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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