I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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