I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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