why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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