sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
