my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
