She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
