If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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