just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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