HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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