dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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