He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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