sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
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