I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize