I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
