When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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