am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
