ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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