why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
