Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
