i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
